Just a few short months ago, I lived literally two minutes' walk away from a gym. It was cheap, kinda gross, and small, but it had the essentials. And.... I mentioned it was two minutes' walk away, right?

Well.

There was a problem with a gas leak or something caused by the gas station across the road that drove my gym out of it's current facility and into a lesser facility that I didn't really care to drive to. Besides, it's impossible to turn left out of that parking lot! So, when I have a "oh Dear Lord I've gained another 12,000,000 pounds I HAVE to start going to the gym!" moment, I am forced to seek alternative torture chambers - I mean... gyms...

Basically in this town if you're not going to the cheap gym, you're going to the expensive gym. Unless you want to drive twenty minutes or so away. So I printed off Expensive Gym's free week trial membership coupon and figured I'd go check it out. Bob was down to go with me, so last night we trotted off to Expensive Gym. Of course, to be honest, it took at least twenty minutes of Bob pushing and me yelling and throwing a tantrum to get me to go, but hey, whatever works, right?

I had high expectations for Expensive Gym. I had been there once, but had immediately gone upstairs to their massage rooms, and didn't get to see the rest of the facility. But they have a cafe, and a pool, and a huge weight room, and expensive personal trainers, and... and... it's so expensive! It's gotta be nice!

Well. I was wrong.

Bob and I walked in, and the guy working behind the counter was someone Bob had graduated high school with, so I stood in the background and tried to discreetly peer around. When Bob was finished chatting with his old high school buddy, he decided to go to the weight room, while I wanted to get some cardio done first. I started off down the hall, passing the cafe as I went. I glanced over.... and was surprised as the amount of crap that had been left all over the place, though the cafe was clearly closed. Wow. I spared a moment to think, 'man, they could make more of an effort to clean up when they leave since this place is right in public view,' then I was in the cardio room.

I immediately started looking around for the sanitation spray bottles and rags that both of the other gyms that I had gone too regularly provided. You know, for wiping down your machine before and after you use it? I did two circuits around that room looking in vain for some sort of sanitation spray, until people started giving me strange looks. During my circuits, I noted to my distress the giant stains on the carpet (and just what the hell happened to create those huge brown stains, huh? HUH???), the water fountain with pieces broken off of it, the crap lying around in the back hallway leading out of the room.... I cautiously approached a machine.

Yep. It was gross. If you just glanced at it you would think it was okay, but look a little harder and you see the old encrusted dirt and grime indicating that these things haven't been touched with a cleaning solution since they arrived. Great. As I worked out I looked at the machines to my left and right, and they were in the same condition.

YUCK.

When I finished my cardio I didn't even want to go into the weight room. I waited for Bob to finish up, and fled. Immediately. Far away into the night. NEVER TO RETURN.

Bob said, "but they have a pool!"
My response? "Can you imagine what the LOCKER ROOM looks like???"

I'll stick to my $100 a year gym. It's freaking CLEANER than the $500 a year gym! And I'll take cleanliness over all the pools, personal trainers, and massage facilities in the freaking world!