Just a few short months ago, I lived literally two minutes' walk away from a gym. It was cheap, kinda gross, and small, but it had the essentials. And.... I mentioned it was two minutes' walk away, right?

Well.

There was a problem with a gas leak or something caused by the gas station across the road that drove my gym out of it's current facility and into a lesser facility that I didn't really care to drive to. Besides, it's impossible to turn left out of that parking lot! So, when I have a "oh Dear Lord I've gained another 12,000,000 pounds I HAVE to start going to the gym!" moment, I am forced to seek alternative torture chambers - I mean... gyms...

Basically in this town if you're not going to the cheap gym, you're going to the expensive gym. Unless you want to drive twenty minutes or so away. So I printed off Expensive Gym's free week trial membership coupon and figured I'd go check it out. Bob was down to go with me, so last night we trotted off to Expensive Gym. Of course, to be honest, it took at least twenty minutes of Bob pushing and me yelling and throwing a tantrum to get me to go, but hey, whatever works, right?

I had high expectations for Expensive Gym. I had been there once, but had immediately gone upstairs to their massage rooms, and didn't get to see the rest of the facility. But they have a cafe, and a pool, and a huge weight room, and expensive personal trainers, and... and... it's so expensive! It's gotta be nice!

Well. I was wrong.

Bob and I walked in, and the guy working behind the counter was someone Bob had graduated high school with, so I stood in the background and tried to discreetly peer around. When Bob was finished chatting with his old high school buddy, he decided to go to the weight room, while I wanted to get some cardio done first. I started off down the hall, passing the cafe as I went. I glanced over.... and was surprised as the amount of crap that had been left all over the place, though the cafe was clearly closed. Wow. I spared a moment to think, 'man, they could make more of an effort to clean up when they leave since this place is right in public view,' then I was in the cardio room.

I immediately started looking around for the sanitation spray bottles and rags that both of the other gyms that I had gone too regularly provided. You know, for wiping down your machine before and after you use it? I did two circuits around that room looking in vain for some sort of sanitation spray, until people started giving me strange looks. During my circuits, I noted to my distress the giant stains on the carpet (and just what the hell happened to create those huge brown stains, huh? HUH???), the water fountain with pieces broken off of it, the crap lying around in the back hallway leading out of the room.... I cautiously approached a machine.

Yep. It was gross. If you just glanced at it you would think it was okay, but look a little harder and you see the old encrusted dirt and grime indicating that these things haven't been touched with a cleaning solution since they arrived. Great. As I worked out I looked at the machines to my left and right, and they were in the same condition.

YUCK.

When I finished my cardio I didn't even want to go into the weight room. I waited for Bob to finish up, and fled. Immediately. Far away into the night. NEVER TO RETURN.

Bob said, "but they have a pool!"
My response? "Can you imagine what the LOCKER ROOM looks like???"

I'll stick to my $100 a year gym. It's freaking CLEANER than the $500 a year gym! And I'll take cleanliness over all the pools, personal trainers, and massage facilities in the freaking world!

The Scene: I'm taking a quick break from work and calling up Bob to chat. We talk for a few minutes, and Bob mentions that he's going to take his car over to his parents' house to fix an oil leak.

Me: So how long do you think that's going to take?

Bob: I have no idea. It totally depends.

Me: You must have some idea. I really want to see the new Aliens vs. Predator movie tonight, and I'd kinda like to know when we could go.

Bob: *laughing* Oh, really? Well, if everything goes smoothly it should only take a hour or two. If there are problems it could take way longer. Like if blah blah blah Car Speak happened, it could take way longer, and if blah blah blah Car Speak pins broke off I would have to buy new blah blah blah Car Speak, and then I wouldn't be able to drive my car."

Me: *eyes glazing over* Oh.

Bob: It's a really messy job.

Me: Why? *I realize suddenly that I've made a huge mistake, but by now it's too late*

Bob: Blah blah blah Car Speak, blah Car Speak blah, coolant, blah blah Car Speak...... etc. etc. etc..... (for several minutes) .....then burp it to get the air bubles out.

Me: *out of the whole conversation, I recognize maybe two words and terms* Bob, you tell me these things, but I don't know what they mean and as soon as you tell me I forget what you said.

Bob: Well, you know what coolant is, right? Cools the engine, it's green....

Me: I didn't know that it cooled the engine, and I didn't know it was green.

Bob: Well, it's-

Me: Bob. If you try to explain, I will instantly forget. Do you know what I do with cars?

Bob: What?

Me: I push the gas pedal and make it go. I can even turn the headlights on. And sometimes, if I'm feeling really adventurous, I'll push the back window defroster. But that's kinda scary... it's pushing it a little.

Bob: Your back defroster is on all the time.

Me: What? My God! It's broken!

Bob: *laughing*

Me: So, what are we having for lunch?


......

For the record, I'm really not that bad. I can pop the hood, refill my own windshield wiper fluid, and pump my own gas and everything!

^_^

The Scene: I am relaxing on the sofa reading a book. I've braided my hair into two braids for the first time in FOREVER, prompting lots of Pippi Longstocking and Heidi comparisons, but I was feeling very cute and adorable. Bob comes home from work.

Me: Hi!

Bob: Hey!

Pause

Bob: (notices my hair) You braided your hair well.

Me: ......Thanks?

I learned something depressing the other day. The FTC does not cover business-to-business telemarketing under their anti-telemarketing laws. There is no 'Do not Call' list for business (by the way, the time you have to allow is 31 days for that list to take effect if you add your personal number to it).

I was particularily perturbed by this since I have been plagued by phone calls from the Yellow Pages Online while at work in my office for months and months. These are the people who call incessently for a while, then when you finally get really mad they stop for a month or two (just long enough to make you feel safe), then they start calling again.

Months ago their sales pitch involved starting out by cheerfully suggesting they are simply verifying some information. If you didn't catch on immediately, they went on to tell you about your amazing free business listing and transfer you to go through their automated answering service.

Then they must have gotten in trouble, because they started asking your title in the company, then saying, "I assume since you are the (insert title here), you are over eighteen and authorized to make changes to this account".

HA!

Now they start out right away by telling you that they're "updating information on your FREE online business listing".

This was the conversation I had with them today:

Telemarketer: Hello, this is ******* from the Yellow Pages Online. I am calling to update your free online business listing-"

Me: Wait a second. Your company has consistantly called this office even though I have repeatedly informed you that we are not interested in your offer and do not want to receive any more calls from you.

Telemarketer: (Flustered... he must be new) But this is for your free online listing that you-"

Me: I am aware of what you're offering, I've heard it countless times. Now this is a busy office and I don't have time to do this.

Telemarketer: But- but-

Me: We're not interested, now-"

Telemarketer: (Accent kicking in a little more now) But we chose you because you good business people! This free online listing only for good business people!

Me: Thank you, but NO.

Telemarketer: But it's free for fifteen days!

Me: (HA! He screwed up! Free for fifteen days, then you send us an OUTRAGEOUS bill!) Thank you. No. (I hang up the phone decisively)


I was chatting with Office Manager Hugh about this insufferable company, and he mentioned that a woman who worked her a few years ago had once accidentally signed up for this thing. It took a couple months for Hugh to realize what he was being charged for, and when he did it took forever to cancel. No one would answer his calls, when he left messages no one returned his calls, when he finally did get ahold of someone he was tranferred around fifteen times.....

The moral of this story is: never accept a free online business listing from Yellow Pages Online, no matter how sneaky and persuasive they are.

1. Black Comedy / Generation X / Wrath / Thug / Rotoscoping = Sin City!

2. Orgasm / Sado Masochistic / Self Injury / Sadistic / Personal Secretary = Secretary!

3. Disturbing / Sword / Violent Movie / Good Versus Evil / Based On Comic Book = The Crow!

4. Zombie / Car Crash / Soft Drink / Dress / London = 28 Days Later!

5. Male Nudity / Campy / Payback / Homage / Vendetta = Pulp Fiction!

6. Hyperrealism / Topless / Queen / Harem / Seige = 300!

7. Obscene Finger Gesture / One Day / Mini Skirt / Teen Angst / Suicide = Empire Records!

8. Action Heroine / Spin Off From Video Game / Female Nudity / Killer Dog / Based On Video Game = Resident Evil!

9. Animal Killing / Blood / Painting / Katana Sword / Gunfight = Eqilibrium!

10. Convenience Store Clerk / Long Take / Silent / Anti Social / Underage Smoking = Clerks!

I was at my parent's house the other day, and my eighteen year old sister told me cheerfully that she had some extra yarn to give me. She brought out four different kinds of yarn in four different colors and four different textures. "Great!" I said. "I can start a new Ugly Blanket!"

Ah, the Ugly Blanket. My favorite handwork passtime. ^_^

I believe I've mentioned the Ugly Blankets before. I crochet a little - a very little - and all I know how to do are granny squares. So my method of making crocheted blankets is to crochet a giant granny square. When I was a kid and was involved in 4-H, I made a great baby blanket out of tons of granny squares stitched together. It was pale pink, had fringe and everything (I even got a blue ribbon at the fair with it), but since then I've become very lazy and can no longer be bothered to put that much effort into it. I can also seldom be bothered to actually go to the store and get my own yarn, especially in the days that the Ugly Blanket was first born, so I accepted partial skeins from my family.

The resulting blanket formed from laziness and donated yarn was hideous. And wonderful.

It was a gift for my dad, who loved its hideousness as much as I did. It was a good size to drape over yourself while sitting on a chair watching a movie. It was a myriad of different colors, but amazingly enough was all the same texture.

The second Ugly Blanket somehow got put into use before it was finished. I was planning to make the second one even bigger, but like I said, it was appropriated before it was ready. This one was not only many different colors, this one had different textures.

The next Ugly Blanket didn't begin until I had moved out. This Ugly Blanket was my masterpiece. It was tons and tons of different colors (no two colors the same!) and was big enough to drape over my queen size bed. Fantastic!

I'm excited about this latest Ugly Blanket, thugh it is still in the early stages of development. In the spirit of Ugliness, I have decided to post the rules of creating an Ugly Blanket, should anyone want to follow in my footsteps.

• The Ugly Blanket must be a giant granny square. If it is not a giant granny square, you were obviously not lazy enough for the blanket to be truly Ugly.
• As long as the blanket is only one granny square, it can be as big or small as you want. Baby Ugly Blankets are quite charming.
• Ugly Blankets can have as many different textures as you want, but keep in mind that transferring from thin, $2 yarn from Rite Aid to bulky expensive chenile yarn, while hideously ugly, can be kind of a pain.
• You are permitted to use the same color more than once, but there must be at least two rows of different colors between same colors.
• Matching colors may not be touching. If the blanket matched, it wouldn't be an Ugly Blanket, now would it? Try keeping a skein or two of bright solid colors to crochet in between matching colors.
• All the colors in use for the Ugly Blanket can of course be pretty colors that you enjoy and find aesthetically pleasing, as long as the end result is not aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

Go wild with your Ugly Blanket! Experiment with different colors and types of yarn! The only bad Ugly Blanket is a matching Ugly Blanket, and that is not an Ugly Blanket at all!

I've been listening to Regina Spektor lately, and I've become curious about the lyrics to one of her songs.

"I have dreams of orca whales and owls/
but I wake up in fear..."


.....



........



Why?

What the hell is she dreaming that involves orcas and owls???

Five Things In My Closet

1. Erm... clothes. Mine and Bob's.
2. Shoes. Lots of shoes. ^_^
3. Jigsaw puzzles.
4. Old photographs of parties... with plenty of blackmail material. (hehehe.... ^_^)
5. Magic: The Gathering cards. Hell yeah!

Five Things In My fridge
1. Cherry Coke Zero. Can't leave the store without it.
2. Barbeque sauce. MMM!
3. Despite Bob's protests, a giant tub of mayonaise.
4. Butter.
5. Several tupperware containers holding God knows what. I'm scared to open them.

Five Things In My Car
1. Lots of CDs. And none in the correct cases. Open a Rammstein CD case and you'll probably find Regina Spektor, Children of Bodom, and Foreigner. The Rammstein CD will be in the Wolfsheim case along with Metallica and Hammerfall.
2. Roadrunner road atlas for Kitsap County. An essential for my job.
3. Various hairpicks and pens.
4. A book or two.
5. A stash of fast food napkins (in case of emergency ^_^).

Five Things In My Purse
1. My wallet.
2. A sketch in red pen that I did at work.
3. My cell phone.
4. A granola bar.
5. Compact mirror and lipstick. Have I used either since I put them in my purse? No.

Here's a link to the gallery page: remember to click on the pic for a full size version!

Stole it from Mom!

Pick out ten favorite movies, then look them up at Internet Movie Database. In the overview at the top of each movie's page, there are "Plot Keywords," usually five of them. (Plus more, if you click the link.) Take the first five, and post them. Then you, the lucky reader, gets to try to guess which movies are described.

1. Black Comedy / Generation X / Wrath / Thug / Rotoscoping
2. Orgasm / Sado Masochistic / Self Injury / Sadistic / Personal Secretary
3. Disturbing / Sword / Violent Movie / Good Versus Evil / Based On Comic Book
4. Zombie / Car Crash / Soft Drink / Dress / London
5. Male Nudity / Campy / Payback / Homage / Vendetta
6. Hyperrealism / Topless / Queen / Harem / Seige
7. Obscene Finger Gesture / One Day / Mini Skirt / Teen Angst / Suicide
8. Action Heroine / Spin Off From Video Game / Female Nudity / Killer Dog / Based On Video Game
9. Animal Killing / Blood / Painting / Katana Sword / Gunfight
10. Convenience Store Clerk / Long Take / Silent / Anti Social / Underage Smoking

Wow.... some (most) of these are WAY hard to figure out! So, to aid in your guesses, here are the taglines from each movie (also on the movie's main page on IMDB... interestingly enough, I don't think I would necessarily consider some of these the actual taglines). Try to figure it out from the keywords first, though! ^_^

1. "Hell of a way to end a partnership."
2. "Assume the position."
3. "It can't rain all the time."
4. "His fear began when he woke up alone. His terror began when he realised he wasn't."
5. "Girls like me don't make invitations like this to just anyone!"
6. "Prepare for glory!"
7. "Open 'til midnight."
8. "Everyone died. The trouble is, they didn't stay dead."
9. "In a future where freedom is outlawed outlaws will become heroes."
10. "Just because they serve you... doesn't mean they like you."

Title: "I'm Guessing No Three Wishes....?"

Media: Paper. Pens. Sharpies.



TaDA!

See the bigger, better version at my gallery in DeviantArt!