The Marine
PG-13
2006
** out of ****


All hail the great American Bad Action Movie! Yes, I actually did go see this in the theater. Even my dad refused to go see this film. And not only did I go see it… I enjoyed it. In light of this information you may now faint, gasp, or laugh as needed. If you know me, it’s certainly no secret that I love bad action movies (commonly referred to as “Guy Movies”). I love Rambo, the Terminator, and all the rest. Granted, this movie was worse than most, but it was still a blast!


Premise: The Marine is kicked out of the corps for disobeying a direct order (although the disobediance of which resulted in the saving of American soldiers in Iraq, of course), and after a brief stint (one day) as a security guard, he and his ditz - I mean wife - decide to take a short road trip into the mountains. Disaster! Wife is kidnapped as a hostage by a notorious criminal for no discernable purpose, except for the vague, “we may need a hostage” which is repeated throughout the entire movie. As you may expect, they never actually need a hostage, and actually encounter no one except for The Marine throughout their entire getaway. Through explosions, car chases, bad lines, and silly fights, The Marine dogs their every step, determined to get his woman back!

The first hint as to how bad this movie is should be it’s name - “The Marine”. The second is the lead actor, WWF wrestler John Cena. The third - the actress who plays his wife is Kelly Clarlson. I am of the personal opinion that during auditions for the role of Cena’s wife, they chose the ditziest woman they could find. The only even halfway decent acting came from bad guy Robert Patrick (of Terminator 2 fame).



Of course, it’s not about the acting when it comes to movies like this - It’s about the explosions, the fighting, and the cheesy lines you quote to your friends for days afterwards! And this movie had explosions, fighting, and cheesy lines galore. I went and saw this movie with the only person who will see these terrible movies with me - Bob. Bob and I were laughing through the entire film. It was wonderful!

It’s hard to break down the good and the bad in this movie, because it was pretty much all bad. And it was great!



“They have a hostage. It’s my wife!“