I was just talking to a friend the other day about one of my biggest pet peeves this year: female actresses in action movies. More specifically, their tendancy towards the stick thin image of “beauty” that is so strived for that leaving you wondering, “how the hell did she just throw that guy twenty feet away when her arm looks like a toothpick?!”

There are a few notable exceptions, of course - Linda Hamilton, “Terminator 2″. Sigourney Weaver, “Alien 3″. Jessica Biel (surprisingly!), “Blade Trinity”. These women had a respectable amount of muscle tone. They looked like badasses that you wouldn’t want to mess with.




Now let’s take a look at he other end of the spectrum. Charlize Theron, “Aeon Flux”. Milla Jovovich, “Resident Evil”, “Resident Evil: Apocalypse”, “Ultraviolet”. Alexa Davalos, “Chronicles of Riddick”. Oh, and how about this one? Sarah Michelle Gellar. Seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Was it just me, or did she actually lose muscle mass?

I think the whole “toothpick” beauty ideal is disgusting anyway. And it’s a little off topic, but THANK YOU MADRID for banning underweight models from your fashion shows!!! Long live healthy BMIs!!! But, anyway… back to my rant. So not only do these actresses look unhealthy and unattractive, they make themselves completely unbelieveable in the rolls they play. How is it that this continues to be encouraged in the media? My god, when the Tomb Raider movies came out, everyone was talking about how “hardcore” Angelina Jolie’s training had been. Umm… where was her muscle definition? Was it hiding? Did it not like the camera? (Notice I don’t even bother to bring up “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”…)

I wonder who would win: Demi Moore - “G.I. Jane”, or (good lord) Keira Knightly - “King Arthur”. How about these disappointments? Jennifer Garner in ”Elektra”. Actually, I will say that at least Garner isn’t as stick thin as these other examples. Kristanna Loken in ”BloodRayne” was a brutal disappointment to me. She wasn’t rail thin, but she looked kinda like a couch potato. She is a freaking BAD ASS VAMPIRE ACTION HERO! Give her a LITTLE freaking muscle!!! And Anne Parillaud, “La Femme Nikita”? Please. I could break her over my knee. Summer Glau, of “Firefly” and “Serenity”. Yes, I understand that due to tampering of her brain in theory she is supposed to be a badass warrior. Guess what? Physically she’s so frail that she couldn’t possibly do half the things she does on screen. I will conclude with Kate Beckinsdale in the “Underworld” movies. Enough said.

I understand that some of the above mentioned characters have power that negates the need for physical prowess. We’ll use Buffy the Vampire Slayer as an example. But don’t you have to train to get that good? Guess what - All that training, in theory, is going to build muscle.

I’m sick of seeing pathetic stick insects playing badass heroines. I don’t like action heroes who look like they weigh less than my sister’s dog. So let’s hear it for muscle tone! You don’t have to be buff, ripped, weightlifter built… just try not to look like you’re anorexic or don’t do anything but sit on your couch and watch TV, please. It would do wonders for the image of the female action hero in the movies. And it would sure make me enjoy them a hell of a lot more. ^_^

So, in conclusion… are we betting on Sarah Michelle Gellar--





-- or Linda Hamilton?

The Marine
PG-13
2006
** out of ****


All hail the great American Bad Action Movie! Yes, I actually did go see this in the theater. Even my dad refused to go see this film. And not only did I go see it… I enjoyed it. In light of this information you may now faint, gasp, or laugh as needed. If you know me, it’s certainly no secret that I love bad action movies (commonly referred to as “Guy Movies”). I love Rambo, the Terminator, and all the rest. Granted, this movie was worse than most, but it was still a blast!


Premise: The Marine is kicked out of the corps for disobeying a direct order (although the disobediance of which resulted in the saving of American soldiers in Iraq, of course), and after a brief stint (one day) as a security guard, he and his ditz - I mean wife - decide to take a short road trip into the mountains. Disaster! Wife is kidnapped as a hostage by a notorious criminal for no discernable purpose, except for the vague, “we may need a hostage” which is repeated throughout the entire movie. As you may expect, they never actually need a hostage, and actually encounter no one except for The Marine throughout their entire getaway. Through explosions, car chases, bad lines, and silly fights, The Marine dogs their every step, determined to get his woman back!

The first hint as to how bad this movie is should be it’s name - “The Marine”. The second is the lead actor, WWF wrestler John Cena. The third - the actress who plays his wife is Kelly Clarlson. I am of the personal opinion that during auditions for the role of Cena’s wife, they chose the ditziest woman they could find. The only even halfway decent acting came from bad guy Robert Patrick (of Terminator 2 fame).



Of course, it’s not about the acting when it comes to movies like this - It’s about the explosions, the fighting, and the cheesy lines you quote to your friends for days afterwards! And this movie had explosions, fighting, and cheesy lines galore. I went and saw this movie with the only person who will see these terrible movies with me - Bob. Bob and I were laughing through the entire film. It was wonderful!

It’s hard to break down the good and the bad in this movie, because it was pretty much all bad. And it was great!



“They have a hostage. It’s my wife!“

The Grudge 2
PG-13
2006
**1/2 out of ****

First off, I want to say that this was a sequel that was much better than the first installment. The Grudge was mostly laughable. I am mostly alone in thinking this - my friends who have watched this movie somehow managed to find parts of it creepy. That is not to say that I don’t like The Grudge because I do, very much, and am completely entertained whenever I watch it. I was expecting more off the same from the sequel, and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was actually less unintentionally humorous than the first one, almost unheard of for sequels to horror movies.

This time around, the movie follows three separate storylines - Sarah Michelle Gellar’s sister Aubrey, come to Tokyo to investigate Gellar’s death, an international private Tokyo high school student, and a family in Chicago. It’s obvious what the first two stories have to do with the ghosts featured in the Grudge, since both characters featured in those storylines enter the house (thus incurring the wrath of the disgruntled spirit) but the reasons behind the family in Chicago remains a mystery until the end. It’s actually a delightful twist (even if it doesn’t make all that much sense when you think about it).


There was good and bad about this movie. Plenty of bad, in fact (after all, it IS a sequel to the Grudge!!). The good: All three storylines were entertaining, and surprisingly enough, for the most part acting was fairly decent. There were a few ghost scenes that were genuinely chilling. Not scary - I honestly do not get scared when I watch horror movies - but nicely chilling. You definitely don’t get that with every ghost movie these days. I mean, come on, look at Pulse. That was ridiculous beginning to end. And I’ve already mentioned this, but the twist at the end was really cool, even though it doesn’t really stand up to scrutiny.


The bad: First and foremost was Ghost Overload. I’m not kidding - it felt like every two seconds you were seeing one of the ghosts. An overload like that takes away from the chill factor. You end up just thinking, “oh, there she is again…”. And I really think that the little boy ghost is really just in the game for kicks - he IS a little boy, and all he really does is sit in corners and sometimes make cat yowling noises. Why? Because he’s not a disgruntled spirit, he just gets a kick out of scaring people. Probably played lots of pranks when he was alive. The acting was mostly decent, like I said, but there were definitely a few people in that movie who need to go back to acting school. Again, I’ll bring up the twist at the end. Cool, but really, could have been better. It just doesn’t really make sense. After the initial, “SWEET!” moment you have when all is revealed, you start thinking “…wait a second….”.

And one more thing….



If the ghost is physical enough to grab you like this, why don’t you just punch her or something? Come on!

Saturday morning my friend Bob and I sent out on a journey far to the east, traversing foggy, rainy highways, great bodies of water, perilous mountains, and arid lands.... all the way to Ellensburg. The object of this daring adventure was the aquisition of the most precious of household companions... the KITTEN!

We started out early in the morning for the 9:40 ferry to Seattle where we acquired Andrew and food from Safeway to keep us alive on the long road ahead. Such delicacies as "Fruit by the Foot", kettle chips, power bars, other such snacks, and one caeser salad were purchased and consumed over the course of our journey, which we would discover later would barely sustain our strength. The road was long, but we girded our strength and forged onwards. Our goal was not one to be abandoned lightly.

We flew along the express lanes heading for I-90 to get out of Seattle when we ran into our first obstacle - Traffic! After sharing the express lanes with only our shadow, our progress came to a screeching halt as we found ourselves entangled in the dreaded Traffic Jam. Andrew bemoaned his ill advised instructions to take the express lanes as we watched cars passing freely on the freeways to either side of us. We turned on the radio in the hopes that we might be enlightened as to the cause of this situation. We eventually heard that it was a car fire that had caused the nightmare, and our thirst for knowledge thus sated, we proceeded to sit and twiddle our thumbs for what seemed like an eternity, realizing that our newly acquired information would really do us no good. Finally moving again, we passed the burned out shell of what had been a car - windows shattered, tires melted, the frame blackened - and with a quick statement of hope that the occupants of the car were uninjured and gratitude that it wasn't our car, we continued.

We quickly realized that the route we were taking was not going to get us to I-90 and the next leg of our journey, so we took the next exit and made a stop at a gas station. The car was hungry and unprepared to carry us to our destination far to the east without a good meal, so I filled the beast with gasoline as Andrew ventured into the station to ask for directions to I-90, proving once again that the statement "men never ask for directions" is false (a fact which never ceases to amaze me). In short order we were back on the road, and headed towards that long strip of asphalt that would take us to our destination.

We didn't stop again until we reached the tiny town of Cle Elum. This was a perilous stop, as we were deep in the sparsely populated eastern lands, and had sighted pickup trucks and men wearing orange camoflage who would quite likely turn on us if they happened to see the "Frodo Failed, Bush Has The Ring" bumper sticker on my car. It was a tiny town, but we stopped at the Safeway for a much needed (some might say desperately needed) trip to the restroom, and went next door to a cafe where Bob, the valiant driver of my car, purchased coffee in an attempt to maintain his flagging energy. Andrew purchased a chai, and someone must have seen the bumper sticker because they tried to poison him - the chai was overwhelmingly sweet.

On the road again (safely away from both men in orange camoflage and vindictive baristas), and it wasn't long before we reached Ellensburg. We navigated our way through roads with names such as "Uptanum" and "Manastash", passing 90 acre farms with huge fields of various vegetation and livestock. We turned down one wrong driveway and were stared down by a vicious bull with burning red eyes surrounded by his harem of meek cows before we were on the right track again. Finally we reached our destination - a small yellow and brown house with a large brown barn behind it. We were welcomed by the sight of the friendly elderly cat breeder holding the precious orange and white bundle of fur we had come to acquire.

Barbara offered us refreshments and invitied us to sit down, taking pity on our obviously weary selves, faced with the fact that we were only halfway finished with our trip. After allowing us to sit and talk for a bit, she introduced us to all of her lovely cats. On the way to visit the cats in the barn there was an alarming cloud of wasps that we were forced to walk by, but the wasps took mercy on us after our long journey an allowed us to pass unmolested. The cats were Siberians and Norwegians. Orange, black, seal point, torbies... all beautiful, all friendly. After much fawning over the cats, Barbara sent us on our way with the tiny kitten and a bag of apples from her apple trees.

The ride home was uneventful. The kitten was named "Stella" (if you ask me, I'll tell you she was named after a character from Anne Rice's "The Witching Hour" and if you ask Bob and Andrew, they'll tell you she was named after the beer Stella Artois). Stella slept through much of the return journey and caused no trouble. Valiant Bob, drained of energy at last, turned the wheel over to Andrew and had a well earned nap. I sat in the back with my new kitten and read my book, and the hours flew past. Finally, I took the wheel while on the ferry, and got us the rest of the way home.

Ah, home at last. After such a grueling journey it was like heaven. The kitten, Stella, was turned loose, and unafraid, she proceeded to thoroughly explore everything. She is affectionate, friendly, and adventurous. Playful, energetic, and sleepy. She's wonderful. Our journey was more than worth it. ^_^