The Scene: I am relaxing on the sofa reading a book. I've braided my hair into two braids for the first time in FOREVER, prompting lots of Pippi Longstocking and Heidi comparisons, but I was feeling very cute and adorable. Bob comes home from work.

Me: Hi!

Bob: Hey!

Pause

Bob: (notices my hair) You braided your hair well.

Me: ......Thanks?

I learned something depressing the other day. The FTC does not cover business-to-business telemarketing under their anti-telemarketing laws. There is no 'Do not Call' list for business (by the way, the time you have to allow is 31 days for that list to take effect if you add your personal number to it).

I was particularily perturbed by this since I have been plagued by phone calls from the Yellow Pages Online while at work in my office for months and months. These are the people who call incessently for a while, then when you finally get really mad they stop for a month or two (just long enough to make you feel safe), then they start calling again.

Months ago their sales pitch involved starting out by cheerfully suggesting they are simply verifying some information. If you didn't catch on immediately, they went on to tell you about your amazing free business listing and transfer you to go through their automated answering service.

Then they must have gotten in trouble, because they started asking your title in the company, then saying, "I assume since you are the (insert title here), you are over eighteen and authorized to make changes to this account".

HA!

Now they start out right away by telling you that they're "updating information on your FREE online business listing".

This was the conversation I had with them today:

Telemarketer: Hello, this is ******* from the Yellow Pages Online. I am calling to update your free online business listing-"

Me: Wait a second. Your company has consistantly called this office even though I have repeatedly informed you that we are not interested in your offer and do not want to receive any more calls from you.

Telemarketer: (Flustered... he must be new) But this is for your free online listing that you-"

Me: I am aware of what you're offering, I've heard it countless times. Now this is a busy office and I don't have time to do this.

Telemarketer: But- but-

Me: We're not interested, now-"

Telemarketer: (Accent kicking in a little more now) But we chose you because you good business people! This free online listing only for good business people!

Me: Thank you, but NO.

Telemarketer: But it's free for fifteen days!

Me: (HA! He screwed up! Free for fifteen days, then you send us an OUTRAGEOUS bill!) Thank you. No. (I hang up the phone decisively)


I was chatting with Office Manager Hugh about this insufferable company, and he mentioned that a woman who worked her a few years ago had once accidentally signed up for this thing. It took a couple months for Hugh to realize what he was being charged for, and when he did it took forever to cancel. No one would answer his calls, when he left messages no one returned his calls, when he finally did get ahold of someone he was tranferred around fifteen times.....

The moral of this story is: never accept a free online business listing from Yellow Pages Online, no matter how sneaky and persuasive they are.

1. Black Comedy / Generation X / Wrath / Thug / Rotoscoping = Sin City!

2. Orgasm / Sado Masochistic / Self Injury / Sadistic / Personal Secretary = Secretary!

3. Disturbing / Sword / Violent Movie / Good Versus Evil / Based On Comic Book = The Crow!

4. Zombie / Car Crash / Soft Drink / Dress / London = 28 Days Later!

5. Male Nudity / Campy / Payback / Homage / Vendetta = Pulp Fiction!

6. Hyperrealism / Topless / Queen / Harem / Seige = 300!

7. Obscene Finger Gesture / One Day / Mini Skirt / Teen Angst / Suicide = Empire Records!

8. Action Heroine / Spin Off From Video Game / Female Nudity / Killer Dog / Based On Video Game = Resident Evil!

9. Animal Killing / Blood / Painting / Katana Sword / Gunfight = Eqilibrium!

10. Convenience Store Clerk / Long Take / Silent / Anti Social / Underage Smoking = Clerks!

I was at my parent's house the other day, and my eighteen year old sister told me cheerfully that she had some extra yarn to give me. She brought out four different kinds of yarn in four different colors and four different textures. "Great!" I said. "I can start a new Ugly Blanket!"

Ah, the Ugly Blanket. My favorite handwork passtime. ^_^

I believe I've mentioned the Ugly Blankets before. I crochet a little - a very little - and all I know how to do are granny squares. So my method of making crocheted blankets is to crochet a giant granny square. When I was a kid and was involved in 4-H, I made a great baby blanket out of tons of granny squares stitched together. It was pale pink, had fringe and everything (I even got a blue ribbon at the fair with it), but since then I've become very lazy and can no longer be bothered to put that much effort into it. I can also seldom be bothered to actually go to the store and get my own yarn, especially in the days that the Ugly Blanket was first born, so I accepted partial skeins from my family.

The resulting blanket formed from laziness and donated yarn was hideous. And wonderful.

It was a gift for my dad, who loved its hideousness as much as I did. It was a good size to drape over yourself while sitting on a chair watching a movie. It was a myriad of different colors, but amazingly enough was all the same texture.

The second Ugly Blanket somehow got put into use before it was finished. I was planning to make the second one even bigger, but like I said, it was appropriated before it was ready. This one was not only many different colors, this one had different textures.

The next Ugly Blanket didn't begin until I had moved out. This Ugly Blanket was my masterpiece. It was tons and tons of different colors (no two colors the same!) and was big enough to drape over my queen size bed. Fantastic!

I'm excited about this latest Ugly Blanket, thugh it is still in the early stages of development. In the spirit of Ugliness, I have decided to post the rules of creating an Ugly Blanket, should anyone want to follow in my footsteps.

• The Ugly Blanket must be a giant granny square. If it is not a giant granny square, you were obviously not lazy enough for the blanket to be truly Ugly.
• As long as the blanket is only one granny square, it can be as big or small as you want. Baby Ugly Blankets are quite charming.
• Ugly Blankets can have as many different textures as you want, but keep in mind that transferring from thin, $2 yarn from Rite Aid to bulky expensive chenile yarn, while hideously ugly, can be kind of a pain.
• You are permitted to use the same color more than once, but there must be at least two rows of different colors between same colors.
• Matching colors may not be touching. If the blanket matched, it wouldn't be an Ugly Blanket, now would it? Try keeping a skein or two of bright solid colors to crochet in between matching colors.
• All the colors in use for the Ugly Blanket can of course be pretty colors that you enjoy and find aesthetically pleasing, as long as the end result is not aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

Go wild with your Ugly Blanket! Experiment with different colors and types of yarn! The only bad Ugly Blanket is a matching Ugly Blanket, and that is not an Ugly Blanket at all!

I've been listening to Regina Spektor lately, and I've become curious about the lyrics to one of her songs.

"I have dreams of orca whales and owls/
but I wake up in fear..."


.....



........



Why?

What the hell is she dreaming that involves orcas and owls???

Five Things In My Closet

1. Erm... clothes. Mine and Bob's.
2. Shoes. Lots of shoes. ^_^
3. Jigsaw puzzles.
4. Old photographs of parties... with plenty of blackmail material. (hehehe.... ^_^)
5. Magic: The Gathering cards. Hell yeah!

Five Things In My fridge
1. Cherry Coke Zero. Can't leave the store without it.
2. Barbeque sauce. MMM!
3. Despite Bob's protests, a giant tub of mayonaise.
4. Butter.
5. Several tupperware containers holding God knows what. I'm scared to open them.

Five Things In My Car
1. Lots of CDs. And none in the correct cases. Open a Rammstein CD case and you'll probably find Regina Spektor, Children of Bodom, and Foreigner. The Rammstein CD will be in the Wolfsheim case along with Metallica and Hammerfall.
2. Roadrunner road atlas for Kitsap County. An essential for my job.
3. Various hairpicks and pens.
4. A book or two.
5. A stash of fast food napkins (in case of emergency ^_^).

Five Things In My Purse
1. My wallet.
2. A sketch in red pen that I did at work.
3. My cell phone.
4. A granola bar.
5. Compact mirror and lipstick. Have I used either since I put them in my purse? No.

Here's a link to the gallery page: remember to click on the pic for a full size version!

Stole it from Mom!

Pick out ten favorite movies, then look them up at Internet Movie Database. In the overview at the top of each movie's page, there are "Plot Keywords," usually five of them. (Plus more, if you click the link.) Take the first five, and post them. Then you, the lucky reader, gets to try to guess which movies are described.

1. Black Comedy / Generation X / Wrath / Thug / Rotoscoping
2. Orgasm / Sado Masochistic / Self Injury / Sadistic / Personal Secretary
3. Disturbing / Sword / Violent Movie / Good Versus Evil / Based On Comic Book
4. Zombie / Car Crash / Soft Drink / Dress / London
5. Male Nudity / Campy / Payback / Homage / Vendetta
6. Hyperrealism / Topless / Queen / Harem / Seige
7. Obscene Finger Gesture / One Day / Mini Skirt / Teen Angst / Suicide
8. Action Heroine / Spin Off From Video Game / Female Nudity / Killer Dog / Based On Video Game
9. Animal Killing / Blood / Painting / Katana Sword / Gunfight
10. Convenience Store Clerk / Long Take / Silent / Anti Social / Underage Smoking

Wow.... some (most) of these are WAY hard to figure out! So, to aid in your guesses, here are the taglines from each movie (also on the movie's main page on IMDB... interestingly enough, I don't think I would necessarily consider some of these the actual taglines). Try to figure it out from the keywords first, though! ^_^

1. "Hell of a way to end a partnership."
2. "Assume the position."
3. "It can't rain all the time."
4. "His fear began when he woke up alone. His terror began when he realised he wasn't."
5. "Girls like me don't make invitations like this to just anyone!"
6. "Prepare for glory!"
7. "Open 'til midnight."
8. "Everyone died. The trouble is, they didn't stay dead."
9. "In a future where freedom is outlawed outlaws will become heroes."
10. "Just because they serve you... doesn't mean they like you."

Title: "I'm Guessing No Three Wishes....?"

Media: Paper. Pens. Sharpies.



TaDA!

See the bigger, better version at my gallery in DeviantArt!